Nanjing Night Net

FOOTY commentary is a demanding discipline and any criticism of it should be appropriately respectful and circumspect, in all probability.

However, forgetting all that garbage and just saying what’s on your mind is also a possibility. The ensuing observations exclusively represent the viewpoint of one person who finally cracked under the weight of all the verbal confetti.

A certain degree of self-confidence can be the foundation for a challenging and fulfilling life, or you can over-egg the pudding in that regard and come out sounding like Brian Taylor and Luke Stifler, err, Darcy, on Seven’s Saturday night footy.

David King apparently speaks exclusively in windy platitudes that mostly tell us lord knows what. This may be due to clothing-related oxygen deprivation. He needs to stop working the chest so much at the gym or Fox Footy has to start buying him larger jackets.

You know that type of movie where the guys are set for a monumental night out of ill-advised and disreputable high jinks and then, at the last minute, one of the buddies turns up with some gangling gawky stranger and says, “Hope you don’t mind, guys – he’s my girlfriend’s younger brother.” Anyway, on a completely separate note, so what about that Basil Zempilas?

Bruce McAvaney, he asks a lot of questions, doesn’t he? Most of them are really statements, aren’t they? It’s an exceptionally annoying verbal quirk after a while, isn’t it? You’d think someone in charge would have said something to him about it years ago, wouldn’t you?

On all footy commentary evidence available to hand, that Matthew Campbell must make a hell of a nice cup of coffee around the office. Legendary boxing ring announcer, though. As he once memorably introduced a certain West Australian boxer: “Danny – the Green Machine – MEAN!”

Youngsters may complain less about “dad jokes” if they had their grandfathers around more so they could hear how much worse their jokes are. Or they could tune into SEN when Kevin Bartlett is on, when you hear more grandpa humour than the Geneva Convention would have deemed acceptable. Incidentally, if you were wondering, that big clunking sound you heard around 10 weeks ago was Australia reaching its absolute national maximum capacity for KB publicly discussing his prowess in fantasy football competitions.

Finally, statisticians should be not seen AND not heard. They only tend to get this about halfway right on the radio.

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